why me?

im sick and tired of repeating myself, sick and tired of feeling unappreciated, sick and tired of putting a smile on my face just to keep people happy. I aint happy with my life, i hate school i hate coming home. Boyfriends out everyday till god knows when, his brothers and sisters piss me off and give me headaches, his mum has a go at everyone every morning, he sits around doing nothing all day, he could clean the room or go and get  a job then he complains he needs a job hes bored hes tired. when i come home from school im tired im exhausted im agitated im pissed off ive probably got coursework to do, and i dont like being on my own i hate the feeling of being on my own, it upsets me. ive given up trying to have a good relationship coz hes never here with me long enough, i want to leave but i dont coz i love him but he doesnt show me very often that he loves me at all i think hes trying to distance himself far enough away from he that i get fed up and leave. well its working and im really fed up. life is hard as it is already babys due date would have been tuesday 29th which happens to be his 18th birthday as well and im gunna have to be at school as well on that day and go to the crem with some flowers and hes probably not even gunna be home at all that day, he acts as if the baby wasnt even his if i didnt have the misscarrage would he still be acting like this if i was still pregnant would he still be treating me like a piece of shit or not? i tried to kill myself last monday he was screaming at me for everything so i picked up a drink a bottle of jacques the red fruity one and drunk it, then he starts screaming at me again i couldnt cope i got some more bottles 8 altogether i sat on the side of the garages by my friends kia, i tried to think of how i could kill myself how i miss my dog that died, how much i missed my baby, how my face is all screwed up from my dog bite, how most of my friends dont want to know me anymore, how many people ive known have died in the last year or so, my dead brother, my dad and how it would be so easy to just step infront of a car or sit in the road, to jump off the canal bridge, to jump infront of a train or just to let myself bleed there in the cold in the street. it would have been all over just like that no more pain, no more problems no more life no more of anything, just letting go, finding some peace in my unlucky miserable life. i still think it now the only reason i didnt do it then was coz kia found me with her boyfriend kieran, i can honestly say that they saved my life that night but i still just dont want to be here. the world is a cruel place where the good kind people always get hurt all the wars, all the dead people in horrific events throughout the world so many murders and crimes. if god wanted people to be live like this why did he create us, did he even see the posability of his creations becoming so violent so ugly. why does he let things like war happen. maybe its because there is no god, there is nothing waiting for us, we only get one life this isnt a game, but i wish for once just once my life could stay good  for more then a day i dont have good days anymore its good hours or good moments, i just wanna be happy.

to be honest

to whoever this may concern

  ive started this blog because my mind thought it would be a good idea, to get everything out, u see i keep things bottled in and sometimes it gets to me and i explode. So ive started this blog to write down my feelings and pain and happiness and everything that happens to me so i can let go.

so i can let go of my past to feel refreshed and not keep everything locked up inside.

im a lot like pickled onions some people will like me and some with hate me but this is for me to release to keep me sane so read my blog if u want comment i dont mind but dont criticize me to trying to help myself.

thank you x